Fail toys: Traumatising treats for teeny tikes

I don't know about you, but I really hate kids. They're always sticky from ice cream, boogers, half eaten lollies or other equally disgusting substances. So, if I'm ever in the position where I have to buy a gift for one of these noisy, stupid half-pints? I'll buy something so crappy that it will leave scars on their psyches that will lead to failed relationships jail time and psychoanalysis in later life. Something like this:

1. Bust Of Ron Weasley

Wingardium Euthanasia!

What kid wouldn't want this horrific mock up of a dead-eyed, double amputee Ronald Weasley wearing his hand-me-down robes? Don't answer that. I don't want to meet the kid who's into cross dressing, lobotomized ginger sidekick torsos. I'm pretty sure THAT KID will be in the news some day.

Hannibal Lecter II action figure

I like my men like my sexy chocolate underwear: edible!

I don't know where to begin with this one. The disturbing dimwit smile, the blood (or jam) smeared mouth, the hello sailor stance, or the fact that this he's in one easily escapable jail. 

Doggy Doo

All the fun of having a dog reduced to the worst aspect of dog ownership!

Ok, let me preface this one by saying: I don't know that much about raising a healthy well adjusted child. I do know one thing, though, and that's this: it's probably best if they don't play with faeces. In trying not to raise a sociopathic coropophile (person who's sexually attracted to doo-doo) not letting your child play with poo is the first and only step that need be taken. Say hello to Doggy Doo!

The Oozinator

This is why the Hulk's trouser's never come off.

Some people say that children are growing up too fast in the western world. Exposure to video games, television, and the internet is making our kids more knowledgeable and therefore more cynical, and they are losing their innocence at much earlier ages than previously seen....Not the makers off the Oozinator though. They have litterally no fucks left to give. If it were up to them 2 Girls 1 Cup would be forcibly broadcast to everyone all time. So they came up with a concept I can only describe as "A Motherfucking Bukkake Cannon."

Just look at this video. It's got more cum-shots than Ron Jeremy's hard drive