Fail toys: Traumatising treats for teeny tikes

I don't know about you, but I really hate kids. They're always sticky from ice cream, boogers, half eaten lollies or other equally disgusting substances. So, if I'm ever in the position where I have to buy a gift for one of these noisy, stupid half-pints? I'll buy something so crappy that it will leave scars on their psyches that will lead to failed relationships jail time and psychoanalysis in later life. Something like this:

1. Bust Of Ron Weasley

Wingardium Euthanasia!

What kid wouldn't want this horrific mock up of a dead-eyed, double amputee Ronald Weasley wearing his hand-me-down robes? Don't answer that. I don't want to meet the kid who's into cross dressing, lobotomized ginger sidekick torsos. I'm pretty sure THAT KID will be in the news some day.

Hannibal Lecter II action figure

I like my men like my sexy chocolate underwear: edible!

I don't know where to begin with this one. The disturbing dimwit smile, the blood (or jam) smeared mouth, the hello sailor stance, or the fact that this he's in one easily escapable jail. 

Doggy Doo

All the fun of having a dog reduced to the worst aspect of dog ownership!

Ok, let me preface this one by saying: I don't know that much about raising a healthy well adjusted child. I do know one thing, though, and that's this: it's probably best if they don't play with faeces. In trying not to raise a sociopathic coropophile (person who's sexually attracted to doo-doo) not letting your child play with poo is the first and only step that need be taken. Say hello to Doggy Doo!

The Oozinator

This is why the Hulk's trouser's never come off.

Some people say that children are growing up too fast in the western world. Exposure to video games, television, and the internet is making our kids more knowledgeable and therefore more cynical, and they are losing their innocence at much earlier ages than previously seen....Not the makers off the Oozinator though. They have litterally no fucks left to give. If it were up to them 2 Girls 1 Cup would be forcibly broadcast to everyone all time. So they came up with a concept I can only describe as "A Motherfucking Bukkake Cannon."

Just look at this video. It's got more cum-shots than Ron Jeremy's hard drive

Movies: described by idiots

Eighties bullies rated by face-punchability

Ogre

Revenge of The Nerds

Within 30 seconds of ogre's introduction he murders someone. Straight up. Coldbloodedly. Remember, this is a lighthearted teen comedy about nerds. You see, Ogre, is functionally retarded, but has been allowed to go to college because he is good at sports. Hmmm, let's see: he has a mental illness, and a murderous dislike of scholarly types...is college the best place for this guy?

Face punchability: 4.5 (I feel bad hurting a mentally challenged guy)

 
 Biff Tannon


As seen in Back to the Future

Biff Tannon is more to be pitied than punched. His insults are worse than his continued attempts to murder Michael J Fox across time and generation. And, yes, although he did attempt to rape Marty's mother let's not forget that he was floored by a punch from Crispin Glover. This dude:

Pictured: Not a badass

It's got to the point where three movies and unlimited failure later...I wanna give Biff a re-assuring pat on the back and offer him cup of tea.

Punchability: 5 (I'll put my fist in your face but my heart won't be in it)

 

Johnny

As seen in The karate Kid

If there's any one person in movie history who deserves a punch in his stupid blonde face, it's dickhead Johnny. He wears a goddamned headband. That's strike one, right there. His whole deal in life seems to be riding around on a dirt bike, like he's Dennis Hopper in Easy-fucking-Rider, assaulting vaguely ethnic looking kids to the worst power-balads of the eighties.

Asshole's of this magnitude grow hemorrhoids with their own gravitational pull.

Punchability factor: 7.6 (He'll need that headband to stop his brains leaking out of his punched in face)

Steff McKee


As seen in Pretty In Pink


Where do I start? He has the name of a middle aged lesbian and he looks like he belongs in a shampoo commercial. The idea that such a blowdried douche could ever be a bully (surely he would be punched to death the first time he left his house looking like that?) is bad enough. But, Jesus Christ! Look at him. LOOK! If I wasn't aware that the concept violated all the laws of thermodynamics I would dedicate my life to creating a perpetual punching machine just so I could use it on someone who just happens to LOOK VAGUELY like this dude. True hatred has a name: that name is Steff McKee

Punchability: 10 (There is no God)